Happy

It feels strange to have self-esteem. Thinking back, I've generally been a happy person, but the emotion never came from within. Great friends, enjoyable work, and relaxing hobbies all soothed my constant melancholy, but I was never capable of helping myself. When alone, I flickered between apathy and depression. As you might expect, I endeavored to spend as little time alone as possible. The strategy worked reasonably well, but it left little time for self-reflection, and this is the reason why my decision took so many years.

I always, always resented the masculine behaviors that were expected of me. I didn't really have any idea exactly what that really meant, though, and straying from the male "norm" was a slow, careful process. I acknowledged my attraction to men and came out as bisexual, and while it was a step in the right direction, it wasn't enough. So I declared myself gay, assuming that then I could be as feminine as I wanted. I lingered on this step for a couple of years, but I kept finding that gay guys were attracted to my masculine side. Wow, really!? Big surprise there.

Thinking is hard.

Whether I was dating a boy or a girl hadn't been the problem. Whether I was masculine or feminine hadn't been the problem. But they were simpler answers than the truth, and I had to rule them out. And really, what are the odds of being transgendered, anyway? Hell if I know, but I couldn't just jump straight to that conclusion. When I learned about transexuals at 12, I thought, "Me, get a sex change? Preposterous!" Haha, bollocks to you, past self!

I used to be a boy. That thought, all by itself, lifts my spirits every time I think it. I used to be, and now I'm not. I'm not a girl, though, and I don't reckon I ever will be. Not a real one, anyway. Luckily I don't care - I like being trans, and that puts me in the minority of a minority. More accurately, I love it. I don't know how far down this path I will go, and I'm not worried about that in the slightest. I've figured out who I am, and I'm going to enjoy wherever it leads me.

Strangely enough, being truly happy has made me much more of a pariah than being a pink-haired tranny ever could on it's own. It's rare for me to stop myself from constantly smiling, and I'm always excited for even the most mundane tasks. For example - "I'm not just riding the bus, I'm riding the bus and I'm awesome! Haha!" I'm just so damn happy to be me, and it catches people off guard. We're not used to cheerful enthusiasm, we expect strangers to treat us rudely or ignore us entirely. Being too happy makes people suspicious. Ah well, not my problem!

I love my friends, I love my jobs, I love this city, and I love myself.

 In the infamous words of Cobra Commander, "I wasss once a maaaaaan!"

Singular

Every person is a unique. Each of us is a one-of-a-kind mesh of traits, and every imaginable quality can be found in someone. Admittedly, some traits are more common than others, and folks with an abundance of scarcely seen qualities are either outcasts or celebrities. Either way, the poor bastards are loners.

Up until today, the titty skittles only effect on me emotionally had been the constant feeling of amazing awesomeness. Yet while watching a kid's cartoon about dragons, a short phrase from one of the characters essentially punched me in the brain. It sparked an epiphany, and I spent the next two hours in tears. Now the emotion has passed, and in retrospect it seems entirely unreasonable. I was aware of the offending knowledge beforehand, yet for some reason it completely overwhelmed me for a passing moment.

My girl side is young, inexperienced, and anxious. When she's dominant, my emotional stability is fragile, and I find myself looking for a strong, masculine persona for support. Luckily, I've got one of those. Of course it's nothing like having a loving partner, especially since I'm not always able to choose which of my traits are predominate. Hopefully once my inner girl grows up it won't matter.

Oh yes, I know this shit's confusing.

I'm glad to be in Chicago. There are theatres everywhere, and so far everyone has been exceedingly friendly. One street has several stores with every sort of punk and goth merchandise you can imagine, and the next one over has more rainbows than you can count. Once the weather becomes more favorable and the snowpocalypse has ended, I'm sure I'll be able to find some genderfucked kindred spirits. For now, at least my bumps are getting bigger.