Porn is for Boys

I no longer have a sex drive, and I couldn't be more thrilled. Wow, I could feel my inner guy shudder as I wrote that. Every masculine impulse I've got left tells me that I should be freaking out, yet I'm not. In my understanding, there are two types of attraction: physical and mental. Physical attraction manifests as sex appeal, mental attraction can become romance, and both are stupidly strong forces. One has lost it's kick.

At the start of boy puberty, my mating instinct began yelling "SEX!" inside my head every 30 seconds or so. Needless to say, this made it quite difficult to focus on any and all other things. With a great deal of practice and concentration, the voice could be temporarily ignored, yet even then it was floating somewhere in the back of my mind. Instinct has absolutely no regard for propriety, and it often demanded my attention at the most inappropriate times. My desire for romance was immense, yet almost completely overshadowed.

And now my sex drive is gone. Part of me once reveled in pure physical pleasure for it's own sake, and now it just stands around dumbfounded. He's not quite sure what to do, in much the same manner as an evil henchman who has suddenly stopped receiving orders from his master. My testosterone is no longer calling the shots, and the power void has been filled by an "intimacy drive" (thanks Ash!). Romantic passion has become far more satisfying than physical pleasure ever was. Not to be misunderstood, let me clarify: sex is still awesome, but instead of being the goal itself, it merely serves to amplify passion. I've always known intimacy is more rewarding than sex, but it's just physically impossible for guys to totally overcome their instincts. They are wired that way.

Vanity

It's probably bad that my appearance seems have gained control of my mood. A day of excellent style is invariably a good day, but as my appearance becomes scruffier, it somehow throws me off balance. I'm passively aware that I'm not my best self at that point, and doubt sort of just gnaws at you. It would seem logical that since I'm aware of this flaw, I should be able to remedy it. Yet my oft-flamboyant appearance is a good indicator that I've had little success in abandoning vanity, which is both true and probably bad. I intend to be around for another sixty or seventy years, and it just sounds silly to depend on your physical traits indefinitely. Youth is undoubtedly a part of a glorified appearance, and relying on it will only make it more difficult to endure its loss.

Vanity is fleeting, but damn it's fun while it lasts. Additionally, it's quite impossible for me to not focus on my appearance right now, and it would be foolish to try. Big surprise: puberty 2.0 is just as angst-filled as the first one, however that doesn't stop it from also being amazing and surreal. It took a long time to convince my masculinity to go through with this, and the wait has made it so much sweeter. The effects are starting to kick in, and every new awareness of that leaves me with a grin on my face. I'm not sure how staring off into space while grinning is perceived by onlookers, but I'd guess as either smugness or idiocy. In truth, I probably intend both. My inner girl is beaming that she's finally getting her chest, and my inner guy just smirks while thinking "lol boobs."

Here's bit of a timeline thing, which rather effectively displays the progression of vanity/femininity. I rarely feel one without the other.

Lastly, the same cat.

MtF TG w/HrT, WTF

The gayer I get, the more I find myself surrounded by acronyms. By "gayer", I mean change to represent more of the GBLT spectrum, and less of the typical WASP male. Too many acronyms, I say! It's damn confusing, and I don't think it helps us. There are a lot of folks who don't understand us gays and our glittery culture. There's so much tension around political correctness, and learning our vocabulary can be like playing Minesweeper for heterosexuals. Despite how much (or little) effort is put into careful word choice, a single slip up can punish you with a furious queer threatening your ass with lawsuits. This is bad for everyone. The strict categories that we require our fellows to memorize are just emphasizing any perceived difference between the straight/gay communities, making both sides grumpy. Ah, good rant!

My name is Micah, and I am a 25 year-old bi-gendered person. I was born male and have always identified as male, yet I also felt strangely female. Having debated this conundrum with myself for nearly a decade, two months ago I began male-to-female (MtF) hormone-replacement therapy (HRT). I have the support of my family, friends, employer, and classmates, and I openly sport pink hair as either gender within my community. I am very aware that my position is extremely fortuitous, and it is not so for everyone. I love to conjecture and ramble, and I am an open book for those looking to find understanding or support. For everyone else, at least there is a picture of a cat.

-Micah